i watched tick, tick…BOOM! in the middle of the day today.
i never knew that Jonathan Larson died so young. i don’t really know how i could have. i mean, sure, i knew about RENT because i’d spent lots of time from twelve to twenty-two around theater kids of all kinds, but i myself never knew much about all the Broadway hits and their origins. plus, Larson died when i was only a year old, so unless my parents had been musical theater aficionados, there is almost no way i could have known about him.
anyway— his life, his work, and his death have inspired me far more than i’d expected when i sat down to watch my mom’s highly recommended Netflix film. the portrayal of Larson in the film spoke deeply to the life-lover in me. i constantly find myself ruminating on wasted time, wasted life, life’s gifts and its fragility, time that’s left, time that’s gone by, how many things could be done in any given amount of time… it’s exhausting yet exhilarating.
i am trying to lean more into the exhilaration aspect so that i can propel forward with the time i have.
i don’t need to produce a book this year, but i want to. my book won’t change the world, but it will have its time in it. it will occupy somebody’s time as they read it. not nearly as much as my time is and will be occupied finishing it, but occupied still. and that counts. time spent counts.
have you thought much about that before? i’ll admit that i haven’t to this degree.
i’ve thought about the way time seems to slip through our fingers, get away from us, fly, get wasted.
but i’ve never deeply thought about the value of time spent. how impactful doing this versus that can be; doing something versus nothing. i know that i haven’t given it this much thought before because i’ve never felt more motivated by time— or perhaps i’m just viewing it in a new light.
regardless, i’d like my time spent writing words and your time spent reading them, and then we both come out on the other side better because of it. i’d like to know that my words plus your eyes— or ears if eyes aren’t an option— plus time equals a positive value.
i think about how happy i am that i’ve spent time over the past few years reading Audre Lorde, bell hooks, and Ocean Vuong. i think of the feeling of community and camaraderie that swells inside me when i read shared feelings from beautiful minds. i hope to lose someone in the time and sense of comfort i create for them— not to escape real time but to hold them in time gently, warmly.
of course, i also hope to use my time to serve me and fill myself up with experiences that overflow me and spill onto future pages, into future feelings, filling others up and taking up more time still— beautifully, beneficially, intentionally.
the most important wish for you to know right now is my wish to share time with you.
i’d intended to read some Audre Lorde and listen to some Etta James for inspiration today. i’d thought of some lines and lyrics of theirs earlier, and thought i could craft some pieces for my book with their help. and though i still intend to lean on them later, i’ll let today’s lesson be Larson’s.
