prompt 1
who would you be if doubt didn't exist?
this is prompt— a collection of pieces inspired by a prompt agreed upon by the group of artist’s participating. this is the first edition of what i hope to be a quarterly publication that grows in participants each time. my vision for this project is to create a space for artists to connect with each other and stimulate their creativity in a time when creating feels difficult. prompt is not a homework assignment that you’re graded on or a contest to decide who made the best piece. it is an invitation to listen to yourself and speak through a medium you’ve been out of touch with, a reminder that you’re someone with talents that should be indulged, an opportunity to connect instead of shut down.
i am so grateful to Kaila and Eartha for taking the time to process this prompt and offering their pieces to this inaugural collection. i personally did not think i’d see this project through to the end, but their contributions inspired me to push past my own doubt and produce something rather than nothing.
it feels a bit ironic to be publishing this on a day associated with superstition, second guessing, and doubting oneself. maybe that’s all the reason needed to put something into the world on such a day— to do something because you’re told not to. because it could change your life. how? it could result in something terrible. for who? it could be calamitous. why? who knows? you can’t know until it’s done. i was born on a Friday the thirteenth and would venture to say that it was a pretty lucky day.
doubt functions at two different levels in my life— as an inhibitor and an enabler. doubt is sometimes a fuel. at other times, it extinguishes all possibility. i could be a lot of things if doubt didn’t exist. on the other hand, i’d be nowhere without it. doubt has pushed me to where i am today yet it is the reason i haven’t dared to tread farther.
where would i be without it? where am i now in spite of it?
i moved to New York because i doubted i could be my fullest self if i’d stayed where i was. i doubted that i’d find love and community and a worthwhile career in the smallness of Connecticut. i’m not exactly saying that i’ve successfully found all those things where i currently am, but i love the pursuit that doubt set me on. i have found wonderful, rich love and have known a profound sense of community because i followed my doubt. or did i run away from it?
i find myself staggered by doubt. doubt that i’ll ever achieve a “worthwhile career.” does such a thing exist? if i push past doubt, could i live a life free of it? i certainly can’t surrender to it in this case or i’ll surely die of retail mundanity. and yet, i can’t help but doubt the possibility of becoming a “successful” writer.
doubt’s brought me to where i stand and keeps me planted there. it taunts and drives me. how can i possibly reach higher than i where i am? how could love find me again after i’ve lost it? how could i keep from doubting that? how could i not push myself past that uncertainty, strive for my fullest potential, be open to love again?
doubt is formative. you either charge through it to prove it wrong or allow it to impede your success and enact its will. it is ever present and offers you one of the two options. how do you find the strength to overcome or ignore it? why can you do so sometimes and at others cower before it?
i clearly don’t have the answers to all these questions. but i now have a place to sit and contemplate. when doubt visits me there, i’ll do my best to face it with courage and tenacity. i’ll do my best to move through it with a stronger sense of confidence. i think that is growing; i think that doubt and i can work out an understanding of when it’s helpful and when it’s not.
i don’t know who i’d be if doubt didn’t exist, but i might not be who i am now. and i love who i am.
— Ev
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